There are very few things that concentrate the mind as does the final end. We receive news of someone's death – family, friend, or colleague - and we immediately go into shock, dazed and benumbed. In a few brief moments, the mind takes on the intense clarity of telephoto lens; once hazy memories are dug up, finely processed, brought into sharp relief - the last smile, the last hug, the last quarrel, the last promise...
The initial shock is soon overcome by grief. The weak wail; the strong sigh of the sights that most tug at the heartstrings, not many are as potent as that of a widow lamenting her loss; few are as humbling as the tired sorrow of a grieving parent; and hardly any as pathetic as friends struggling to mask their grief behind a flimsy curtain of tearful smiles.
Why such a depressing issue to discuss this month? Have the troubles in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Palestine and elsewhere lost their urgency? Have we finally given up and become despondent? To the contrary. As most would confess, death is not a subject for open discussion - superstition is still a powerful force in our lives, much as we try to ignore it (ask a man to urgently write his Will for instance, ,and he immediately removes you from the list of his well-wishers!). But our reluctance to address this issue is the real irony Maybe because we have grown so fond of our current existence, most of the pressing issues of the day only start begging for resolution when human life comes to harm.
The human psyche in contemporary times seems so hardened, so able to cope with avoidable problems, so willing to compromise anything, merely for the comfort of living just one more day! But death. It calls a halt, and grief collects the mind, forcing us to confront the reality of our own mortality.
Grief demands introspection. We are finally able to spare time for evaluation. Yes, we try to take stock of the deceased, but most particularly, we appraise our own lives - accounting is a personal issue, each one is his own internal auditor. We might cry, or merely be depressed; but somewhere in those awkward moments, we eventually come face-to- face with the unpleasant truth that those we mourn have simply overtaken us in our journey towards a common destination. A journey in which we daily fall short...
In truth then, our tears are not so much for the dead, as for ourselves. Grief forces us to focus on our own failings; to grapple with our own shortcomings. It confronts us with the reality that just as the deceased was denied time to "tidy up" "take stock" "make amends" before being hurried on to give account, so too might we yet be unable to make a change before the final whistle: "That Muslim cemetery we planned to build – we were going to execute that project within two years when Sister Lagbaja died...but she died over five years ago and we are yet to determine the size of land we need, much less start the project ... ". "Brother Tamedun is dead. His wife. Children. Aged parents... How would they cope ... school fees, rents, feeding, clothing... what about that welfare fund we planned to set up? "If I die today, what will happen to my dependants?"
Yet indeed, grief remains intensely personal. Much as we might condole with the bereaved, the depth of their loss cannot be shared. Maybe' that is why bare acquaintances sometimes feel deeper grief than close relatives. Maybe the personalisation of grief explains why bereavement (and close shaves with death) seem to be one of the very few events that is able to force people to change - often for good, but sometimes for worse (tell a man he has terminal cancer and he wants to "save the world" with good deeds before he dies; tell another he has AIDS and he wants to spread it as wide as he can amongst his fellow travellers). -
But again, how do we explain that for most, once the tears start to dry and the memory begins to heal, resolutions so strongly made weaken, resolves fade, momentum is lost, and we just simply carry on with life as it was before the cathartic event. Lessons so quickly forgotten? Let's think more about death. Let's talk about it. Let's confront it before it confronts us – in that maybe, we can find strength to work towards our rebirth.