The tears fall down my face in silent agreement, I laugh and then listen quietly again. A sense of deja vu creeps up on me as I listen to her on the phone. She has no sense where her words were taking me to. The memories flash through my head repeatedly and I think to myself, Ya Allaah!, I must tell somebody. Its 6pm in the office and Ive taken the liberty of it being a Friday night to call my sister-in-law. She is 33 weeks pregnant and her hubby, my brother, is travelling around the country in course of work. My husband, in my first two years of marriage, did pretty much the same thing; he traversed the North while I stayed in Lagos, working and pregnant.
It was easy to relate with her on the subject. While this may not be news to a lot of Muslim sisters, it slowly dawned on me that a new wife has to come to terms with a lot of things pretty fast and learn to deal with them as theres no handbook out there. All the books that taught you how to be a good wife by cleaning up and being extremely patient, leave out details of other issues of early marriage. There are a lot more issues than the three noted below but these were the ones that came up in our conversation that Friday evening. They do all tie up to patience, being loving and wanting for your brother (or sister) what youll want for yourself but Id like to call them "the job of the new wife (Aikin amariya)"
Dealing With His Weaknesses
The first job of an amariya , is dealing with your husbands weaknesses. Its with a sense of despair, that you realize your knight in shining armour isnt; hes just a man, prone to weak moments, outbursts (mainly not at you, but still troubling) and a responsibility crisis. Some men may have been dealing with large family emergencies before getting married and so just fall into rhythm, others could fall apart. Im not talking about tending for other peoples families; Im talking about tending for the new one, you and him.
Sounds silly huh? But suddenly, there are bills to pay, fuel has to be in the car, shopping has to be regularly done and so does your hair. This was the man who could wake up anytime, eat well anything and get to work in his friends car or jump the bus. But now, responsibility! Its fun at the beginning and then it starts to take its toll and he knows as the family grows, itll never go away. Amariya, you need to be supportive! Try and make your demands sweet, short and on track.
Always stick to the budget, its a painful thing for a man to plan his expenses and you just go overboard. Do take pains with meals, quantity and quality. A friend of mine always preaches that it is injustice to make a badly prepared meal as it is a waste of money. Say a thank you for everything, from the food on the table to your new hair- do that he paid for. Develop a habit for appreciating your husband. I learnt that if you pamper him and buy him gifts, even if it takes ten years, youll reap the result.
Helping out in the home with your money is your prerogative; right? So use it more often whenever you can help out. Be generous with it but do not slam it in his face. Make him know youre doing this with joy, he will see you as a partner and still respect you for being there without asking. And guess what? Contrary to most beliefs, he wont expect it from you, hell hope you will and will be pleased when you do, insha Allaah! Half Truths or White Lies?! The second job is the enormous white lies or half-truths and jealousy to/from your immediate family. I had a great laugh with my sister-in-law as we discussed this aspect. Its great to be loved by family; yes, the same ones that couldnt wait for us to get married and get out of the house.
The next thing is their calling you at Sam the morning after you left the house to find out if your hubby is treating you okay. Youre cuddling with your new love? Of course, you are fine. But why hasnt your husband called us? Abi, now weve given him daughter he wont check up? True to type, husbands never call their own family let alone call in-laws. Wont he ever come home and stay with you? After all cant he see that youre almost to term? (For the sister whose husband is far from home working)
There is no mirror in this house, cant you buy mirrors? The list is endless. Then comes the half-truths and ... ehm ... em ... the lies! Hell call you, hes just been really busy and when he tries, its network failure. Weve been meaning to buy O, things have just been crazy and so on and so forth. Never let on that things are hard for you and your hubby ever to your loving family or his own. The hadith of Prophet Ibrahim (alayhis sallaam) whose daughter-in-law [Ismails wife] took the pains to tell a strangerof the woes of the family, to which Ibrahim (AS) asked his son to change the threshold of his home, is a good one to recall here.
For your family, if you dont want a continued barrage of questions and uncertainty that will trouble your marriage, the one that can start World War lll and IV in your home, seal your mouth! If you do make the mistake of tattling to your own family, you breed disrespect for your husband and slowly erode your husbands trust in you. You may think "This is my family, they only want the best for me"; and Im sure that is true, but they also think no-one else can give it to you except them. Here in lies the jealously angle. Have you ever had a member of your family, especially your mum, in the house the same time your beloved husband who expects maximum attention is? It can be a running battle of nerves.
Your mum will keep you in her presence, talking about the neighbour, aunty or uncle So and so; just as your hubby wants you to come and laze around with him. Its hilarious and still is in my house. My hubby has learnt not to vie for my attention when my mum is around, he has me all to himself when shes not. Ive learnt to give my mum as much attention as I can during the day; but my hubby and I will always have night times when we can make up right? And Those Wicked In-Laws? This is the one topic several aunties at your wedding will warn you about. In the stories you have been told and will still hear; there are no nice ones. Once youre married, youve walked into a den of liars, gossips and jealous old men and women that only want to spend your husbands money...oh... and also make sure that you know no peace.
Would have been hilarious really; if not that we sometimes acted out these stories ourselves. Fine, I agree that we do have some menacing in-laws, but the simple trick is never to expect! Dont expect to have good or bad in-laws, dont expect them to call you or greet you when youre sick, dont expect they will send you money or would always ask your hubby for money. DONT EXPECT ANYTHING! But give them what youd give your family.
As you would treat your mum, treat your mother in-law better. Your sister-in-law? Treat her extra special than your own sister. Why? Because your own family will forgive, but your non-familymay keep a lasting grudge. And the sooner you realize that you and your in-laws are non-familythe better. When you start to show care for them, like any other person, theyll show care for you. Call even when they dont, invite them over for stuff, even when you know they might not come, sit with them, show them concern, talk to them, involve yourself in their lives.
Remember all the lovely things you want your hubby to be doing with members of your own family? Well how about you showing some of them on that side as well? None of the above is easy and no-one can write a book about the job of the new wife. The territory ever changes for each brand new Muslim wife but with faith in Allah and the purpose to treat your brotherthe way you want to be treated, the greatest reward for such a woman is al-Jannah Firdous, insha Allaah.
This article was culled from the publications of Deen Communication Limited